RANT
It’s agreed. I am not a good Christian. I am not a good person. I am a fascist, yet liberal communist who would suck the unborn babies out of your sister’s womb if the devil asked me to. On principle alone I would uproot the moral foundation that our country was built upon all while allowing the UN to squander our power and national sovereignty. France is my sworn ally and I hate Poland.
I am today’s definition of a democrat. Of course I am not yet old enough to vote or hold party membership. The evil pulsing through my veins is evident though. Half of my family is Jewish (a clear giveaway) and for six months at the age of 14 I was a vegan. Enough said.
Let me explain myself though. I am a tortured soul finding solace only in repeated viewings of The Godfather and adding clippings to my Prince Harry collage. My hobbies change monthly having included splat art, knitting, punk rock, synchronized swimming, and the ever-popular world traveling. Obviously my favorite channel is HBO for the soul reason that during a Presidential Debate John Kerry joked about the Sopranos. My life revolves around dreams of genius and realities of mediocrity that I will consistently blame on my own lack of effort and/or motivation.
I am also a teenage girl. This entitles me to huge overage charges on my cell phone plan and the belief that I have a soul mate somewhere in the world waiting for me, perhaps at a side walk café in Paris (again, my allegiance with the French…). I type in Comic Sans for its sheer aesthetic value. Math class bores me and I have done less than an hour of combined community service in my entire life. Who am I to speak on who is qualified to lead the American public? On a related note, how do you answer a question beginning with who am I? Obviously I am Sunny, but still, who is Sunny to speak on who is qualified to be the leader of the free world? Even more clearly now I am Sunny who may or may not have any valid insight into who I/America/my dad/your dad/Harold Ford Jr./both of my dead Grandmothers want to be the next President. I am qualified because my founding fathers proclaimed that I should have to right to vote. Of course not me directly, being a female, but as of the year 1920 my disenfranchisement came to a halt.
Now that I have somewhat established who I am and why you should continue reading, let me ask you 4 questions that will clearly gage your value as a person.
1) Are you of white?
2) Do you like being white? (If no to above question, do you wish you were?)
3) What is your household’s level of income during one calendar year?
4) Do you feel culturally superior to everyone you meet?
First we will rate your value to America using handy spectrums that I learned about in Economics class.
VALUE TO AMERICA
Go Away We Love You
No Hispanic African-American Asian European
No Would you like me to like being white? Yes Duh.
$0 $50,000 6 figures+
No Secretly, yes Only cause I am
Now that we have assessed you value, where do you go from here? This next question is meant to be taken seriously and answered as honestly as can be expected for an averagely self-biased person.
Is this how you value people?
There, now I have asked it and we can move on because of course we all said no and meant it and its just we really are THAT great. I’d like to discuss my opinions on the difference between moral and legal. Lets do some analogies:
Death is to Killing as Dishonesty is to Power
OPEC is to the U.S. Economy as Britney Spears is to Her Own Career
Now you try!
Gay Marriage is to The Bible as
a. postitution is to Las Vegas
b. Gun Control is to the Constitution
c. Osama bin Laden is to Dead
The correct answer was B! Congratulations to the smarter ones among you. Just to err on the side of explanations I’ll explain this one. The Bible explicitly states that gay marriage is wrong just as the Constitution explicitly states that gun control is wrong. Of course right, tolerable, groovy, or any other word could also replace the word wrong.
Here is what it boils down to for me though. Gay marriage? All for it. How can love be wrong? Gun Control? All for it. How can guns be right? Forget my personal beliefs for a moment though. We live in AMERICA. We abide by the CONSTITUTION and other laws that are separate from the Bible no matter what their similarities. So if someone wants to argue gun rights in the Constitution with me, ok. However, lawmakers cannot argue, “the bible says so”, on an issue that does not concern the bible! If the Bible says gay marriage is wrong, what about those non-Christian potential brides and grooms? Should they be refused the right to marry because the majority of the nation hates getting its toes stepped on? When the KKK comes to town to throw racial insults and violent threats around they are given police protection. The passing people, most of whom are offended by this display, are forced to just move on. I believe this is fair though. Gay marriage should follow the same principles as any other freedom of practice, speech, or action that we as Americans have. Could fundamentalists not argue that people of Egyptian decent not be allowed medical care because God sent plagues upon them, and thus obviously wanted them excluded from the rest of humanity? They could technically argue this of course, but it would be unfounded, seeing that no American law discriminates against Egyptians. In fact, we even have some laws against discrimination. But I’ll save that for later.
